


Words of Affirmation

by madamewriterofwrongs



Series: Show and Tell [7]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Babysitting, Banking, Comfort, Communication, Confessions, Cooking, Date Night, Domestic Fluff, Domesticity, Established Relationship, Flirting, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Guardianship, Handwriting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inner Dialogue, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Realization, Secrets, Self-Acceptance, Self-Reflection, Setting Boundaries, Smart Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Trust, good listener, parenting, reasssuring, trivia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27649043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamewriterofwrongs/pseuds/madamewriterofwrongs
Summary: Buck knew he was in love with Eddie - and he knew that the man loved him back just as fiercely. But the time after their fight meant working on trust and acceptance. Eddie promised to be more vocal in his admiration and Buck agreed to listen and respect Eddie's privacy. It's hard work but together, it'll be easy.For Buck, everything is easier with Eddie.(Tags frequently updated)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Show and Tell [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766488
Comments: 110
Kudos: 219





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The looong awaited (for me at least) seventh part in this series keeps us moving through this universe of Buck and Eddie working on their relationship and personal issues together. This whole piece is written but I'll be uploading it in ten parts throughout the coming days so check for updates. 
> 
> You don't _have_ to have read the other installments but obviously I recommend it. 
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy. You know kudos and comments are highly appreciated.

Evan Buckley fell in love with Eddie Diaz a long time ago. Long before they said those three little words, long before they confessed their feelings on the sweltering asphalt, even before they kissed for the first time. No, sometime between pulling a grenade out of a man’s leg, and trying to dig him out of the wet earth, Buck realized that he was in love with Eddie.

He never called it that; he didn’t realize it was love until they were wrapped in each other’s arms after a long night out with friends, and Eddie was peppering those syllables into his skin. Yes, Buck had loved Eddie for a long time and yet, if someone asked when exactly he knew, he’d never be able to pinpoint it. In truth, it was the million things they did for each other that culminated in a feeling of kiting; floating and yet anchored.

Even though he knew without a doubt that he loved Eddie and Eddie loved him just as fiercely, it was also a frequent struggle with his own mind to remember that this man – who shared his bed and let him love his son and with whom he shared an inexplicable trust – was unlike the relationships he’d had before. Not only was it the longest romance he’d ever been in, but Eddie wasn’t going to walk away when things got hard.

Eddie was the guy who stayed.

So was Buck.

Expressing those fears to Eddie about being left and feeling unworthy knocked their relationship into uncharted territory (though, truly, everything they did together seemed like uncharted territory). He felt guilty for laying into Eddie about his insecurities and though he hadn’t meant to, Eddie’s affirmation that Buck had gone too far, sometimes woke him up at night.

But he’d promised to work on it. And he would – he was. His new therapist had him doing the daily affirmations and gave him techniques for calming his mind when it started to run away from him. It was a work in progress (but so was he), and he took it as a win when Eddie didn’t sit next to him on the couch one night and he didn’t panic. In fact, he shot his boyfriend a friendly smile and was met with a grateful nod. It was the little things that meant the most.

He was still working on shutting his brain up whenever someone gave him a compliment or critique; but he was getting better because he had Eddie. Everything was easier with Eddie.

“You’re an amazing cook.” Buck startled out of his thoughts when he felt two warm hands wrap around him from behind. He leaned into his boyfriend’s touch as he stirred the pot of barley soup he’d been absently working on for the past twenty minutes.

“This is hardly going to win me a Michelin star.” He mumbled against the side of Eddie’s head. Sure, it was homemade soup and he was proud of the stock he’d made from scratch, but it wasn’t anything special.

“No, I’m serious.” Eddie squeezed his waist, pressing firm lips into his shoulder. “I know how hard you’ve worked with Bobby over the past few years. And I know Chris and I have certainly been eating better since you came into our lives. I want you to know that I appreciate you taking care of us this way.”

The warmth in Buck’s cheeks had absolutely nothing to do with his proximity to the hot stove, nor was the tingling in his chest attributable to anything other than Eddie’s words. He had never complimented Buck on his cooking before. He’d made appreciative sounds when he ate, and he’d said a few very enthusiastic ‘thank you’s, but he’d never been so direct. He was still working his way through soups and salads (he wasn’t exactly creating masterpieces here).

_He’s only saying that to be nice. He has to say that because you’re together, he doesn’t actually mean what he said._

Buck shut his eyes for a moment, dispelling his own voice in his head.

_I believe Eddie. I believe that he means what he says. That’s all there is to it._

The smell of the soup wafting through his nostrils was sweet and grainy. He could pick up the carrots and garlic underneath the flat barley. He could feel Eddie’s heartbeat steadily pulsing against his back, and the slow movement of his breath against his neck while he watched Buck work.

Only a second had passed before he opened his eyes again and nuzzled his chin over Eddie’s hair.

“Thank you.”

Neither of them moved from their position, Buck stirring and Eddie holding. Things were quiet between them – peaceful – and that peace seemed to lull them. Their embrace slowly swayed from side to side and Buck lost himself again.

He had a vision of the two of them dancing around their kitchen to some slow song on the radio. There was a little grey in their hair now. Eddie’s smile lines were deeper around his eyes and it made Buck happy to hold him tightly. Even in his imagination, Buck had two left feet and stepped on Eddie’s toes, but he never seemed to mind, laughing and pulling him closer to his chest. They were soon wrapped in a contented hug, swaying vaguely to the music, lost in each other forever.

“I’ll always take care of you.” Buck heard the whispered words leave his lips but couldn’t believe he’d let them escape his dreamworld. He’d mean it, though. Every word.

He felt the upturn of Eddie’s cheeks against his neck and pictured him working on his smile lines – just for Buck.

“Good.”


	2. Chapter 2

He was starting to get better at solo bedtime, though it still wasn’t his favourite activity. It was easy to tell Eddie that he just preferred bedtime to be a family activity (the first time he’d called it that, Eddie had kissed him so hard his knees buckled a little). And he meant it. Everything he got to do with the two of them made him happier than being alone.

The truth of it, though: he was scared of messing up.

He could read the stories, he could help with the homework, he could play the video games, but when it came time to closing the book or turning the game off and suggesting it was time to brush his teeth, Buck would feel a little shake in his voice as his authority slipped.

Christopher always listened when he asked him to get ready for bed; went willingly and happily. It was never a struggle to get him to sleep – he loves nights with Buck, he’d said – but every time Buck looked at the time, he had to steel himself for the possibility that this little boy, who owes him nothing and doesn’t have to listen to him, would turn around and tell him just that.

So, whenever Eddie asked him to put Christopher to bed because he was working late, Buck freaked out a little.

“Hey Chris, it’s getting late.” He forced a gentle smile. “I think it’s time for bed. How does that sound?”

The boy didn’t look up from his notebook where he’d been writing his latest short story (he hadn’t let Eddie or Buck read them, but he was always working on some great adventure). “In a minute, I want to finish this page.”

A fair enough request, Buck reasoned, so he went back to drying dishes and keeping a watchful eye on his charge.

He loved that kid, he really did. From that first day when Christopher had talked his ear off about the earthquake all the way home, he understood why Eddie was so protective of his son – beyond being an amazing father. Christopher was special; he was an optimist in a world full of pessimists, and his joy was infectious.

He would do just about anything to make sure that that little boy was always happy.

“Hey Buddy, it’s ten after eight; why don’t we pack it in?”

The huff of frustration sounded so much like Eddie, Buck instinctively looked to the kitchen door. But his boyfriend wouldn’t be home for almost two hours; he was on his own for this one.

“I’m almost done” Christopher promised.

Buck felt that familiar wavering in his voice. “You said that half an hour ago. Can you maybe finish your sentence and come back to the rest tomorrow?” That wasn’t too pushy was it? Chris could finish his writing even if he was past his bedtime. That was fine. It’s not like he would be up until midnight.

“I want to finish this page.”

Well, hang on. He’d said that already. Surely, it didn’t take him that long to finish one page of his small notebook. Buck dried his hands on the towel by the stove as he walked towards the boy. “Christopher, did you start another page?” Sure enough, when he caught sight of the nearly empty page, he knelt down to the boy’s height.

“Christopher, you promised you would finish your page and get ready for bed.”

It was so unusual for the boy to hide anything from him; was he screwing up that badly that even this kid – that he adored more than life – could see he had no real authority?

“I’m sorry.” The little one sunk back into his chair. “I got really excited about this part. But I’m trying to figure out how to stop the knight from eating the dragon.”

Buck raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you mean stop the dragon from eating the knight?”

Christopher enthusiastically shook his head, immediately pressing the pages of the book to show off his work. “No. See, Camille the dragon is trying to rescue her parents from a magic spell that turned them into trees. But she’s been captured by Sir Francis, the zombie knight, and he’s about to eat her brains. But I don’t know how she escapes.”

After his explanation, Buck understood why Christopher had become so enthralled. He’d want to stay up all night trying to rescue the dragon, too. But Eddie had put him in charge and (he took a deep breath to gather his words) he had to act like it.

“That sounds really cool. Hey, how about instead of reading a story from your shelf tonight, I can read what you’ve written so far and help you come up with some possibilities for rescuing Camille.”

That seemed reasonable – and it could be fun. Just another thing that blew him away about this kid: his imagination.

“Not rescue” Christopher clarified. “She escapes.”

“Right.” There was a big difference. “But you have to be in bed first.” Buck offered his hand to help Christopher leap off of the chair. “Deal?”

The boy took it immediately, placing the notebook in Buck’s hands so he could skitter off to the bathroom. As soon as Christopher turned the corner, Buck clutched the notebook against his beating heart, exhaling his leftover nerves.

_That wasn’t too bad. You were firm but fair and Christopher listened to you._

_What if he tells Eddie that you let him stay up past his bedtime?_

_Eddie’s never going to trust you with Christopher again._

_Listen; Eddie trusted you after you lost his son in a tsunami. Twenty minutes less sleep than he normally gets will not be the thing that breaks him._

Buck flipped through the pages of the notebook while Christopher got into his pajamas – careful not to flip too far and spoil other stories. It was impossible to think of that little boy, who’d let him come with him to meet Santa for the first time in LA, suddenly growing up. But it was true, and he had the birthday party photos to prove it. Double digits.

Eddie had simultaneously teared up, panicked, and ignored the fact that he was old enough to have a son who was ten years old. Buck had held him while he talked about missing Shannon on such a momentous day, and kissed him when Eddie told him how glad he was that he wasn’t alone to celebrate. All the while, Buck tried not to get misty-eyed when he realized that Eddie wanted him there, with Christopher, this boy he’d grown to love.

And now, he was tucking Christopher into bed and pulling up the chair from his desk which only fit one of his butt cheeks, so that he could read from the boy’s own writing.

How amazing was that?

He had no idea how Christopher came up with these worlds. He’d never been creative that way. As a child, his mind hadn’t wandered towards the fantastical, it had been drawn to the world before him (to whatever was placed in front of him). This – this narrative of zombie knights and dragons who rescued themselves – it was amazing to catch a glimpse into Christopher’s mind.

It was easier to do the voices when it was a book off of the shelf, but he took each of Christopher’s critiques in stride and made adjustments as he went along. Once he’d reached the end of what was written, they started discussing possible moves for the hero: Camille the Dragon. For the most part, Buck would ask a question and Christopher would begin a brand-new tirade of possibilities, positing realistic endings to each scenario and deciding which ones were worth considering later. Ever the student, Buck pulled out a piece of paper from the desk, and wrote down any relevant notes for the linguistic genius to look at in the morning. It wouldn’t do to put in all this work and then forget about it while he slept.

It was during one of their pauses while Buck wrote, that Christopher finally fell asleep.

He should have felt stranger about watching the boy sleep but the only thing that bubbled in his chest was hope. Hope that Christopher would have sweet dreams, that he’d have a good life, that he’d be happy, that he’d get everything he wished for because he deserved it. He deserved the world.

Buck gently placed his paper and pencil on top of the desk beside the notebook and tucked the chair in, then turned to switched the light off. Before he did, he leaned forward to press a kiss into the boy’s curls (growing darker by the day; he looked so much like his dad). He even smelled like him – he used to make fun of Eddie for using the same generic shampoo as Christopher, but now it was his favourite thing. Buck reluctantly walked out of the bedroom, feeling calmer than he had all night.

He jumped when he spotted the figure in the hallway.

“Jesus, Eddie, you scared me.” He grabbed his heart, careful to keep his voice low. “I thought you wouldn’t be home until ten.”

Eddie just smirked, not moving from his position leaning against the wall. Even relaxed, he was still so damn sexy in those dress pants. It wasn’t fair, really.

“It is ten.”

It was? Crap! He’d kept Christopher up two hours past his bedtime. That wasn’t good. He was supposed to be responsible but he’d let Chris get away with staying up late and then they’d talked for another hour and a half.

“I’m so sorry, Eddie” he rambled. “I was a little late getting Christopher to bed and then we started talking about his story and I kept him up even later. I’m so sor-”

“It’s okay, Buck.” Was Eddie laughing at him? Here he was, panicking about ruining this child’s future because he lost two hours of sleep, and Eddie was laughing at him. “It’s two hours.”

“Yeah, but I” his protests were cut off when Eddie pushed off the wall and grabbed his cheeks firmly. He had no choice but to stare straight into those endless brown eyes.

“It’s okay.” He spoke with a sureness that Buck didn’t possess in himself. “You are so good with him.” With every word, Eddie’s smile grew softer. “You encourage his mind, you don’t belittle him in any way, you care about his wellbeing to the point where you panic about two hours of sleep when we both know my abuela lets him stay up much later.” There was that small laugh again. “He trusts you to take care of him. And so do I.”

Buck opened his mouth to protest – a few hours ago, he hadn’t gotten Christopher to listen to him about going to bed; how could he be trusted to take care of him – but Eddie stopped him with a kiss. When he opened his eyes, his partner was staring at him with nothing but affection. “Buck, you are amazing with my son. Every time I see you with him, I love you a little bit more.”

His breath came a little faster as he fought to quell the argument in his mind around whether he was worthy of such praise. Eddie would never lie to or about Christopher; it was one of the things Buck loved most.

In lieu of a response, Buck leaned in for a kiss of his own, broken by a smile as he let his heart fill with hope once more.

“He’s amazing. And his dad’s pretty cool, too.”

Eddie scoffed, his hands finally falling to Buck’s shoulders. “Excuse me? I am very cool.”

“Yeah, sure you are, Santa Puker.” He chuckled as he turned towards the couch for a bit of snuggling and barely-watching TV after a long day. It was his favourite way to spend an evening (well, second favourite, now that Christopher had introduced him to Charles, the heroic turtle who would be helping Camille in her quest).

Any night with the Diaz’s was preferable; and now that he got to spend every night with them (four months in, and he was still a little flabbergasted at how quickly they all adjusted to the new living situation), Buck put a little extra hop in his step as he walked through _their_ living room.

He knew Eddie was behind him when he heard a disgruntled “why does she keep telling everyone that story?” and felt his presence at his side a moment later.

So, maybe, he didn’t have to worry as much with Christopher. A part of him still had that lingering fear. He didn’t want to tell Eddie he was afraid of his son telling Buck that he ‘wasn’t his dad’, but that was as close as he could come to describing the worry that curled in his stomach.

But Eddie was right: Christopher trusted him, listened to him, and even if he hit his angsty teen years (and he prayed he’d be around to see them), that love the boy had for him wouldn’t change.

Hopefully.


	3. Chapter 3

There were too many forms – in Buck’s opinion, there were always too many forms, but in this particular case, there were definitely too many forms.

He and Eddie were opening a bank account, they weren’t applying for law school. Actually, law school might involve less paperwork. Buck was going to need glasses after staring at the same crisp, white pages for so long.

Despite the monotony of writing his initials on every paragraph of a twelve-page document, there was a pile of giddiness resting on his lungs as he sat in the overly-padded chair.

He and Eddie were opening a bank account. A joint bank account. Together.

Of course, it made sense, considering the fact that they were sharing bills and covering costs (he even got to help out with Christopher’s medical bills now). They were a fully-fledged couple, living and working together, with a child that they both loved – neither of them were ready to use the word ‘co-parent’ but it was how he felt. Why not open an account together?

The joy of getting to share one more – huge – thing with Eddie, was the only thing keeping Buck from pouting through the entire process. His hand was starting to cramp from writing his signature, and he’d definitely gotten a paper cut a few pages back but didn’t want to whine too much. The officer seemed nice, if a little stiff, and there was a really cool abstract painting on the wall he could distract himself with when his eyes got too sore.

Plus, he and Eddie were opening a bank account together.

By the seventh page, his penmanship was getting sloppy, but he’d listened to a podcast that said no one actually compares signatures and it’s all an outdated practice – so that had to be the truth of it, right? Why was he even doing this?

For Eddie and their future together.

Holy crap, they had a future together!

More than ‘I love you’, more than ‘I should move in’: this meant that they were serious about their relationship. ‘Fill out too many forms so we can share our wealth and resources’ kind of serious.

His next breath caught in his throat and he released a small gasp. They really were forever, weren’t they? He still wouldn’t let himself think that far into the future, but there was no time limit on their life together.

He hoped. He really hoped. Of course, what use was there in hope when he had seen the rise and fall of every relationship he’d ever been in up until now. There weren’t a lot of checks in the ‘win’ column when it came to dating. It seemed almost inevitable that he would screw this one up, too.

Buck blinked when he felt a familiar hand wrap around his knee, and he was finally able to exhale. When his eyes met Eddie’s, there was no judgement; only affection and concern. Those pretty brown eyes that were only for him, were soft and wide. Waiting. Eddie was waiting for him; always patient, always understanding, always comforting. What did he do to deserve his love?

Buck nodded gratefully; a smile on his lips as they both returned to their task. 

He was still grumpily scratching away a few minutes later when the officer excused herself to grab a drink of water, and Buck barely acknowledged her presence. As if there had been a raucous party before, the silence she left in her wake was oddly deafening. The clock on the wall was louder than before, and Eddie was suddenly so close, he could inhale the aftershave that apparently matched his own. When did they start smelling like each other? When did that happen?

“I like your signature.”

Buck snapped his head to Eddie who hadn’t even looked up from his stack of papers to deliver that egregious compliment.

“What?”

This time he did look up, a knowing smirk on those kissable lips. “Your signature, I like it. It suits you.”

“Messy and unintelligible?” He snorted. Eddie must really be in love with him if he thought his signature was nice.

_Eddie must really be in love with you._

“Exactly.” It was said teasingly but there was an air of seriousness in his words. “Look at mine.” He tilted the page he had been reading to show off his perfectly looped letters. “This is years of cursive in class and at home with my sisters. It’s practiced and perfected, and it looks nothing like me. But this?” His smile turned soft as he pointed at Buck’s disastrous scrawl. “This is entirely you. I always know what you’ve written on birthday cards and get-well cards – which we sign way too many of.” They exchanged a small chuckle only to let it die a moment later when Eddie placed his hand on top of Buck’s.

“I’d know your hand anywhere.”

Not for the last time today, Buck marveled at Eddie’s ability to know every part of him – to love every part of him.

_Eddie must really be in love with you._

That wasn’t as scary a thought as it had initially been when Buck first realized he was in love with Eddie. In the early days of their relationship, he was terrified to say anything close to those four dangerous letters, fearing he was moving too fast.

A week later, Eddie had curled around him as they were coming back from the bar and told him he loved him in a reverent tone that tickled the back of his neck just to think about. Eddie wasn’t the best at initiating those things. He reciprocated all the time, but he wasn’t the type to say those things unprovoked.

Except, he had done that just now. Seemingly out of nowhere, he’d held Buck’s hand and made him blush with his words. While not unwelcome, it was odd.

Buck kept his eye on Eddie even as he returned to his reading and the kind but stiff bank officer returned to her post.

His mind was still wandering as they slid into Eddie’s truck (finally) at the end of their meeting. There were a dozen little things Eddie had said to him over the past few weeks that made him happily pink with delight; knowing his boyfriend noticed things about him – and cared enough to randomly tell him that he appreciated Buck remembering his coffee order, or that he made a good call when searching the back alley for an alternative route to their panicked victim. Normally, Eddie would have patted him on the back or maybe teased him a little for just wanting to show off his ass as he climbed through the second story window (which he did, but that was beside the point). Instead, Eddie had run a hand across the small of his back and whispered ‘good call’ as they loaded back into the truck.

When Eddie teased him, he didn’t feel bad about it; but this made him feel…nice.

It only made sense that he should reciprocate.

“I like your handwriting.”

Eddie looked out of the corner of his eye but didn’t turn away from the road (just as well, Buck figured this would be easier to say when he wasn’t staring adoringly into the man’s eyes).

“I see precision and discipline, and careful strokes. It’s more you than you think; it’s perfect.” Now he was blushing for a brand-new reason, hopeful that Eddie would hear how much his words weren’t saying. He hoped that would make him smile – he loved Eddie’s smile. The crinkle in his cheeks, the way the joy took over his entire face. He’d do just about anything for that smile.

He wasn’t expecting Eddie to sigh and drum his fingers against the steering wheel (something Buck knew he did when he was uncomfortable).

“It’s supposed to be about you” he strained to hear Eddie’s complaint but raised his eyebrows in confusion when he did.

“What is?”

Eddie was silent long enough that Buck turned slightly in his seat so he could watch his boyfriend bite his bottom lip. He did that cute little thing where he wiggled his nose while he tried to hold his facial expressions at bay; and he was still drumming away at the steering wheel, two fingers tapping out an uneven rhythm. Distraction techniques, Buck realized; Eddie was nervous, debating how to answer.

He broke the silence with his quiet confession. “I’m supposed to be assuring you.”

What did that mean?

What did Eddie think he needed reassuring? What did those compliments reassure him of? That Eddie loved him? Of course he knew that.

_I will be better about assuring you how important you are to me._

Was that what this was – what the past few weeks had been about? Eddie keeping his word to make sure Buck knew how much he was loved. Time and distance made that conversation feel melodramatic to his shameful memory, but it had left an impact on both of them.

“Is this about the fight?” Buck hazarded asked as they stopped at a red light. “Not that I’m complaining; you’re just not usually this vocal outside of the bedroom.” A little teasing between them always lightened the mood.

Even now, Eddie’s lips pulled up in response. “Yes and no. I mean every word I’m saying” He looked at his partner and Buck saw the same sad adoration he’d seen that day. “But I never want you to worry about us.”

“I’m not, Eddie.” Buck fell back into his seat as the truck pulled through the intersection, never taking his eyes off the side of Eddie’s face. “I have never been worried about us - even if I forgot about that for a second.” And what an awful second that had been. He had promised to work on his trust, and he was. “You are probably the surest thing in my life. You and Christopher.” He cursed his own mind for letting him forget that those two boys were his whole world. “You don’t need to do anything different.”

Eddie was quiet for a block or so, same lip worrying between his teeth, same fingers drumming against the steering wheel. Slowly, those fingers fell to Buck’s hand and wrapped around his palm. “Well I want to do this, so you just have to accept it.”

Buck squeezed back, breathless at his partner’s words; at the teasing tone that hid such a sincere desire to love. What else could he do but accept?

He lifted their joined hands to his lips and pressed a long kiss to Eddie’s skin. “Okay.”


	4. Chapter 4

When couples mentioned ‘pillow talk’, Buck imagined that listening to their boyfriend rant about the substitute teacher who’d hit on him when he went to pick up Christopher from school, probably wasn’t what they were talking about.

It didn’t stop him from watching with adoring eyes as Eddie stuffed his face into the pillowcase to hide his groan of frustration. He couldn’t help it. The brunet’s hair was disheveled from a long day of work and then the anxious carding he did after his uncomfortable interaction. It made it very difficult not to kiss him right then and there; but he didn’t want to interrupt (especially when Eddie looked so comically distraught).

“I thought he was going to slap my ass right there in the pickup line.” Eddie’s head shot up, a haunted look in his eyes. “You don’t think he took that literally, do you?”

His genuine concern finally broke Buck and he threw his head forward, laughter bursting from his lips. Through near tears, he could hear Eddie’s affronted squawking which only spurred him further. His head fell onto his boyfriend’s shoulder and any wayward worry about offending him was erased by the arms the rose to hold him.

Once he was able to look Eddie in the eyes without snorting at this disapproving look, Buck brought his hands up to cup his face.

“You are my favourite person on the planet” he sealed his declaration with a kiss.

He went willingly when Eddie rolled back to deepen their embrace, propping his thigh on his boyfriend’s hip as if it always belonged there. If there was one thing he could do for the rest of his life, besides firefighting, it would be kissing Eddie. He’d been with people who had better technique, more confidence, less stale coffee breath, but none of them were Eddie so he couldn’t care less.

They pulled apart with a snap when Eddie pushed his shoulders back. “Christopher is going to be so upset when I tell him that.” He smirked, knowing exactly what it would do to Buck.

His one, true Kryptonite.

Buck gaped at his partner who couldn’t keep the cocky grin off his face. “Don’t you dare” he ordered; the rest of his protests were cut off by another kiss – and really, Eddie made a good argument there.

They stayed like that for a while, exchanging happy kisses, arms languidly roaming. They had all the time in the world to enjoy each other’s company. Even on the nights when they barely made it through the door before someone’s belt was flying down the hallway, there was a peace in their lovemaking. A surety that Buck had never experienced before. It made him dizzy with happiness.

When they parted, it was only to lay in one another’s arms, knowing rest was the better option if they wanted to make it through their early morning shift. Buck pulled Eddie against his chest, the man’s arm instinctually wrapping around his waist. He caught a contented sigh before it fell from his lips when he inhaled the scene of Eddie’s shampoo. He and Christopher really did smell alike. The fresh, lemon-y, green smell. Like summer. He had always pegged Eddie as a sandalwood and musk kind of guy (and that was the bodywash he kept in his locker at the station so that after a rough call, he could lean in to the woodsy/ashy smell). This was what he smelled of when they were alone. When they were home.

“You’re a good listener, you know that?”

Buck barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Eddie”

“I’m serious.” The man brought his arms under his chin so he could watch Buck’s expressions from close up. They really were so close. “You’ve always been good at letting me rant about whatever’s going on in my life; but you also listen to what I have to say. You don’t dismiss it even when I’m going over the top.” Eddie scrunched his face at his own teasing words before letting his expression fall flat. “You always hear me.”

_Always_

Buck let those words sift through his veins, seeing where they’d settle. They caught under his ribs but another kiss pushed them all the way through to his stomach where they took root.

“I like hearing you talk” he confessed into the darkness of their bedroom ( _their bedroom_ , Buck still couldn’t believe it). Eddie’s response was to burrow into his side, let Buck pull him close while they settled into sleep.

The other thing that took him constantly by surprise was how quick Eddie was to touch him, even when they weren’t in the safety of _their_ bedroom. Eddie had always been very tactile, even in their friendship – quick to hug or pat him on the back or just generally to sit a little too close so they could share the warmth – but once he was allowed to touch and kiss and surround, he never stopped. Buck loved it so much; loved _him_ so much.

It sometimes got on other’s nerves how much the two of them were ‘in each other’s pockets’, as Chimney would say. Even at the station, Eddie was never afraid to prop his feet on Buck’s lap, or place a little kiss behind his ear when he walked past. No one was truly bothered by it, no matter how loudly the others protested. He thought.

He couldn’t deny that not every one of Chimney’s jokes landed on his good side but he also knew there was nothing malicious there. Brothers teased and tortured each other; he was pretty sure – he and Maddie hadn’t been too rough on each other given the age difference (most of their interactions came when she was in high school and ranting to him about how much she hated Kyle Hardy in English for being a ‘dickwad’, and warning him that confidence was everything but overconfidence would get him canned. He’d been 5). A bit of ribbing from Chimney and Hen was to be expected. That didn’t mean they didn’t approve of their relationship or didn’t like Buck.

As he drifted off to sleep, his mind replayed his interaction with Hen as they were leaving for the day.

“I think you and Eddie would really like that new Fusion place Karen was telling you about. They even have some vegan options for you rabbits.” She rolled her eyes despite teasing him the same way every time they talked about his dietary concerns.

Buck pulled his shirt over his head, grinning wickedly at his colleague. “Are you calling us ‘rabbits’ because we eat a lot of vegetables or because we have a lot of” he was cut off by a balled-up shirt flying at his head (which he caught easily enough, but wisely kept his mouth shut).

With a good-natured laugh, Hen caught the shirt as Buck tossed it back to her. “I’m serious, though: you’ll love it. It’s a good date-night spot.” She tossed the offending clothing into her bag and threw the whole thing over her shoulder. “I’ll even babysit Christopher for the night so you can stay out late.”

“Yeah, and next time you and Karen want to go out, we’ll look after Denny and Nia.”

He offered it so easily, it wasn’t until he was walking out of the station that he realized what he’d said. He’d agreed to swap babysitting for date night like that was a normal thing they did. Maybe it was becoming that. They were two couples with children, why wouldn’t they help each other out?

Would he start swapping dates and child care with Maddie and Chimney? He’d gladly look after his nephew for free (and he frequently did) but there was something so heart-wrenchingly domestic about saying ‘we’ll look after the kids while you go out tonight’.

When had he become the guy who spent his nights inside, preferring to play games and look after children than go out drinking with friends his age?

 _The day you met Christopher_ ; his mind supplied.

And now he was cuddling with the man he loved while his favourite kid slept a few doors down, looking forward to Saturday when they had a reservation at a Fusion restaurant, and Christopher had a sleepover at the Wilson’s.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been no secret that Buck and Eddie had a sixth sense about one another. They naturally gravitated towards each other at family gatherings and seemed to be able to sense when the other was in trouble (although, Chimney argued that they were always in danger so that was just an educated guess). Either way, Buck would straighten his shoulders whenever he felt the pull of his boyfriend’s presence, finding comfort in knowing that he was there.

Buck didn’t have to look up from his conversation at the table to know that Eddie was approaching from behind, slapping his ass as he passed by. How could he not – Eddie’s ass was one of his best features (especially after three years of bulking up for the job). Besides, he was allowed to do that now, considering how often Eddie reciprocated their physical affection. It was a mutual objectification.

Eddie stumbled in surprise, shooting a warning look at an innocent-faced Buck with a knowing smile. He didn’t linger on the brunet for too long, dragging his eyes back to his conversation with Brady about new curling techniques (the weight-lifting, not the ice sport – although he had considered signing him and Eddie up for some sort of team sport but the hours of commitment were a bit too much).

It was nice that he could do those things – be openly affectionate – and not worry about whether it would be accepted or if someone would accuse him of being inappropriate. He was safe and happy and could be ‘work-place appropriately physical’, in Bobby’s words, without fear.

Except, once he’d done it, his mind wandered down a dangerous path, contemplating if he had been too forward. What if someone who didn’t know them had seen it and reported them? What if he’d gone too far and made Eddie uncomfortable? He knew how much the man valued his privacy; he had never considered that these little teasing moments might be over the top.

Buck hazarded a glance across the loft where Eddie was chatting with Hen. He seemed fine, Buck reasoned; he was probably overthinking things.

 _As usual_.

He shut the door on those thoughts just in time for the alarm to ring and then nothing else matter but helping whoever was in need.

They were piling in to the truck when Eddie passed by, just close enough for Buck to here him. “Hey” before he could say anything else, Bobby called his name and summoned him to the ambulance, to ride in the second truck.

“I’ll tell you later.”

Buck smiled as he pulled the door closed, on their way to the next call.

They were too late.

Their victim was dead before they arrived, have been crushed by the impact of her own car, flipping and pinning her underneath when she was thrown. There was nothing they could have done to save her. She had been 19 years old. Buck held her mother who had been thrown clear of the accident, keeping her from interrupting the paramedics as they gently removed her from the wreckage and checked for any sign of life. He never let go of her hand until she the ambulance door closed and she was led away while her daughter was sent to the morgue.

Buck stared at his hand all the way back to the station. The hand that had held a grieving mother, tried to offer comfort where none existed. It felt cold without the crushing weight of her palm as she fell to the ground. His pinky finger had pins and needles where it had gone numb from the force of her anguish. The entire limb felt detached from his body, having somehow absorbed just some of the emotion he felt from her. It was impossibly heavy.

He knew he was the reason the rig was so silent. After a loss, some of them would grieve quietly while some would make an effort to distract themselves and others. Because they weren’t allowed to dwell – they couldn’t dwell. If they gave too much of themselves to one victim, they’d have nothing left for the rest.

And yet everyone chose to remain silent, four pairs of wary eyes on Buck all the while. He’d never been very good at schooling his features – he might not always talk about what he was feeling but his face would say it all. Right now, it had to be saying: _this too overwhelming, I don’t know what I need, but I need to not feel it anymore._

Whatever that meant.

Buck only realized they’d pulled in to the station, when a familiar hand wrapped around his wrist – the wrist still red with a grieving mother’s grasp. He blinked up at Eddie, only vaguely aware that the world was so much brighter with the doors ajar, and opened his mouth; to say what, he had no idea. It didn’t matter, because Eddie was running his thumb over the top of his wrist, bringing back a lightness under his skin. Moving seemed impossible but Eddie muttered “stay” anyways and gently closed the door between them, leaving Buck in a gentler darkness. 

Alone once again, Buck wandered back to that moment on the road – when Chimney tried to subtly shake his head at Bobby but everyone saw it. Everyone knew what that meant. The grief coursing through his body was instantaneous, starting at his left hand where she still held tightly, and spreading through his heart and down to his toes.

 _Electricity will always take the quickest path to the ground_.

This felt so much different than the cold air between his fingers when he lost his first victim (Devon Matthews, aged 25). Everything had been so big, then, overwhelming in all the unanswered questions and unsettled thoughts. Now, everything was focused on his hand with no outlet for draining his emotions.

He should get out of the truck; he should focus his energy on the next call, the next person in need of help, because he was no good to anyone if he wasn’t focused on the job. Except moving seemed impossible.

As he was making up his mind, the door opened and he turned to see Eddie who had surely returned to offer him some much-needed comfort.

“Chim, what are you doing here?” He accepted the unexpected cup of water but didn’t bring it to his lips.

The paramedic tried to hide a grunt as he shuffled into the seat beside his friend but Buck wisely chose not to comment. “I told Eddie I wanted to sit with you for a bit.”

Dread filled his stomach like a lead balloon. “I know I shouldn’t be taking this so seriously; I just need a minute”

“Not about that.” Chimney waved him off. “I wanted to show you some new pics of Wes from this weekend. He might have started crawling. We’re not sure; it was more of a belly flop and some weird swimming moves, but he definitely moved and he used his hands and feet.”

A shimmer of light shone through the darkness as Chimney rambled on; Buck straightened as his future brother-in-law swiped open his phone. Nothing could make him feel better than seeing his family, especially the children. Holding baby Wesley for the first time, he had cried while promising him and Maddie that he would be the best uncle ever (no offence, Albert, they’d chuckled together).

As they slowly went through the dozens of photos Chimney had taken – and Maddie had sent to her fiancé while he was playing with his son – Buck felt his heart began to lighten. The hand carrying someone else’s grief was used to scroll through photos of hope and life. With each photo of the baby’s smiling face, everything seemed just a little bit better. A little closer to ‘okay’.

He gave thanks for small mercies that there were no calls while the pair sat in the truck for thirty minutes, slowly finding ways to smile and laugh together, until Buck felt well enough to breathe on his own.

“Thanks, Chim, I really needed this.” Buck patted his brother on the back, and the paramedic returned the gesture.

“Anytime, Buckaroo.”

The outside world seemed so much calmer now: blindingly bright but familiar. With one last deep breath, Buck finished the last of his now-warm water, and stepped back into the world. Waiting for him on the other side was, of course, Eddie, leaning against the opposite truck like a god-damned model.

“You really like leaning against things, you know that?” Buck chuckled as he closed the door. “Not that I’m complaining, it’s just something I’ve noticed.”

Though he smiled in response, it didn’t reach his eyes filled with concern and love. “How are you doing?”

Buck placed both hands on Eddie’s cheeks (as best he could with the cup twisted in his fingers) and placed a grateful kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, their eyes never leaving each other’s gaze.

“Much better” he declared against his skin, planting one last seed of thanks before dropping his hands. “Hey, what did you want to tell me earlier?”

He had long grown accustomed to Eddie’s blushes. They were subtle, and had more to do with the way his nose crinkled and his eyes darted away from the embarrassing situation, but he knew them well.

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”

If only Eddie knew that that would make him all the more curious. “What was it?”

He felt studied, scrutinized, by those brown eyes, judging whether or not to answer Buck’s simple request. In the end, he chose wisely – albeit, with a mocking tone and a familiar roll of his eyes.

“I like your pants” Eddie muttered.

Buck fell against his boyfriend’s chest with the force of his laughter, drawing a few eyes who quickly shook their heads and looked away. The shift from devasted to joyous was so sharp that his chest hurt, but nothing could have kept him from falling into Eddie as tears came to his eyes. Soon enough, Eddie reluctantly smiled and joined (though less enthusiastically), and the pair laughed until there was nothing left to give.

“I love you.” Buck shook his head fondly, linking their pinkies in a small gesture of gratitude, which Eddie squeezed back. “Thank you for making me smile.”

“I’d do anything to make you smile.”

The sincerity of his words left Buck breathless; he had no choice but to lean in for another kiss.

“I think I’ll keep you.”


	6. Chapter 6

Storms were a tricky thing.

When Buck was a kid, he loved thunder and lightning piercing the night sky. Maddie would let him sit on her bed during afternoon downpours because her room had the best view of the sheets of rain as they tore through the neighbourhood. Storms were a comforting thing; the sounds, the freshness (even the smell) was something Buck enjoyed in his youth.

And then a bomb had exploded underneath him and he could still hear the high-pitched whine and deafening crunch of bone. And then he’d cared for a little boy who was caught in a tsunami and the rushing water roared to life in the worst moments. And then he’d fallen in love with a former soldier who’d seen war, and heard war, and felt war, and had a medal that proved he could never escape war.

It was a rare night when one of them wasn’t awoken by the sound of crashing thunder outside their window; and they all had their own way of handling that terror.

Christopher would lie in his bed for one more thunder crash, deciding if he was okay to stay by himself or if he needed his Dad and Buck. Eddie had been quick to assure him that he was brave whether or not he wanted to sleep with them, but Christopher always tried at least once. If two rumbles were too many, he’d make his way to the master bedroom and cuddle between his two favourite people, safely drifting off knowing that nothing could hurt him there.

Buck tended to curl away from Eddie when he awoke in a sweat, slowly unwinding with each measured breath until he was able to turn into his boyfriend’s arms. If Eddie’s awaiting arms weren’t enough, he’d find himself playing with the skin of his leg, rolling his ankle, pinching his thigh and knee; anything to remind himself of how lucky he felt and how far away that danger really was.

Eddie was a little different. Where his boys followed a fairly predictable routine in the midst of a nightmarish landscape, his reaction depended entirely on the nightmare he was having beforehand. If he was dreaming of combat, the sound of crackling thunder would send him jolting and thrashing; one time he rolled himself completely off the bed and he sported a nasty bruise under his hairline for a week. If he was dreaming of recent traumas, the booming sounds had him curling around Buck to protect anyone from harming the people he loved most. If he was dreaming of hope, the cries of the storm would pull him back to a world where the sky was falling around him, and he just needed to move.

Buck knew every one of Eddie’s storm reactions and accepted his role in every one of them. Whether it was to hold tight, or stay clear, or be there with a cold compress and a glass of water when he inevitably opened his eyes; Buck knew how to take care of Eddie.

It came as no surprise, then, when he rolled over one night to feel the other side of the bed, warm but empty; and lightning illuminated a figure at the window.

Eddie liked to joke about being broody and quiet but Buck would always laugh because the man he got to see may be more reserved in doling out his opinion but he was far from the angsty, contemplative mess he considered himself to be (Buck had also made a joke about Eddie being inclined to incubate eggs but his brilliance had fallen on deaf ears).

Seeing his silhouette against the open window as rain pattered the window, arms and shoulders curled around his broad form, Buck saw a bit of the man Eddie saw; the longing and regret radiated from his back like a beacon.

_He’s thinking about you, that’s why he looks so upset._

Buck crawled over Eddie’s side of the bed and padded cold feet to stand behind his partner. Snaking a lithe arm around his waist and resting a tired chin on his shoulder was one of his favourite positions with Eddie. Here, he could hold him close to his chest and protect him from the weary world which seemed to take delight in torturing them. No matter what was going on in their day – no matter if they’d just fought or were too tired to think about changing into pajamas – if Buck wrapped his arms around Eddie, Eddie would always hold him in return.

_One day, he won’t hug you back._

He held on tighter.

Together, they stared out at the rain tearing through the city with disastrous efficiency. He missed the rain in Pennsylvania. Los Angeles was either bone dry or horror-movie drenched, there was no light in between. Here, he couldn’t sit on his sister’s bed and watch the gentle sheets of rain; all he could do was hold on tight, and wait for the storm to pass.

“You make me feel safe.”

He felt Eddie’s words vibrate against his chest like a purr, and pressed a kiss into his shoulder.

“I feel the same.”

“No, I mean,” He patiently waited for Eddie to gather his thoughts, letting them sway to the wave of the blowing trees. “I’m learning not to hide things from you.” His hesitation must have been evident because he certainly could find the words to voice his initial thoughts. “Not that I hide things from you.” Another huff of frustration and Buck kept waiting, holding the anxiety at bay. In his mind, he was leaning his body against a door that was pushing against him, begging to be opened.

“I got really used to not talking about things. When I came home and I had nightmares, or my shoulder would hurt so much I couldn’t sleep, I would just go to the living room and read or watch tv. I wouldn’t even try to wake up Shannon. It felt like something I had to hide and I didn’t realize until too late, how wrong that was.”

Slowly, the knocking at the door in his mind grew quieter as he listened to Eddie’s words. His shoulders relaxed and he held on tighter.

“I don’t want to hide those things from you. Because you make me feel safe to reveal them.”

Every word in the English language left his head the moment Buck opened his mouth. He wanted to thank Eddie, assure him that he was always safe, tell him that he felt the same way, promise him that he never had to hide anything. Nothing came out.

Instead, he pressed his lips to the underside of his jaw and leaned in to their embrace, bowling him over with love. Eddie smelled like summer and tasted like home, and against the backdrop of the crashing storm, he looked like a marble statue.

“I’m so sappy for you.” He laughed into his skin but didn’t let go.

Eddie dipped his head away, trying to catch a glimpse of his partner to give a playful glare. “That’s what you have to say after that confession?”

Buck propped his chin against his shoulder in contemplation. “You’re sappy for me, too” he finally decided, earning a fond head butt.

“Fair.” Then Eddie grew quiet; a different quiet than he had before. Buck didn’t know what to do with the uncertainty in his eyes or the sympathy in his frown. The darkness and the patter of rain softened every nerve ending under his skin, dulling his mind to anything outside of this moment between them. It seemed to have the same effect on his partner, making Eddie brave enough to voice his concerns.

“You know you can talk to me about anything.”

That hadn’t been at all what Buck had expected to hear. “Of course.” Apart from his sister (possibly including his sister), Eddie was the one person he told everything. Sometimes he wondered if he revealed too much, selfishly sharing every dark secret to the person he trusted most.

“You don’t talk about yourself.”

He caught Eddie’s eyes in the reflection of the window and saw the telltale frown of a man who’d been thinking on a subject for far too long. “What do you mean? I thought I talked about myself too much?” His teasing chuckle fell on deaf ears.

“Not about your past.” Oh. “I know you have a sister. Presumably you have parents. I know you’re from Pennsylvania only because I know that’s where Maddie is from. But you don’t talk about your life before coming to LA.” He hadn’t had a life before coming to LA, but he understood what Eddie meant, even as he quickly added “I’m not going to force you to talk to me. I just want you to know that you can.”

Buck had always been very careful about what he revealed of his past. He hadn’t done anything illegal or shameful in the eyes of the public – just to himself – but he had also never done anything worth mentioning. Done nothing of note for 26 years. What was worth talking about?

_Eddie wants to know you. Even the boring parts._

That felt breathlessly monumental. He owed Eddie an explanation. Better yet, he wanted to explain.

“Honestly, I never cared much about my past. For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to see and do everything; and I didn’t really care about what I was leaving behind.” He hadn’t even told his parents he was leaving until he was walking out the door on the way to the airport. And they hadn’t gone with him to say goodbye.

“By the time I turned 18, Maddie was already living with Doug and barely around. There was nothing holding me there. So I didn’t bother holding any memories.” All of his best memories were with Maddie, and she was gone; why would he want to keep those tainted reminders?

“I care less about where I came from, than where I’m going. That said. I’ll never lie to you about my past. If you want to ask anything, I’ll tell you.”

He meant it; anything Eddie wanted to know – including the boring, shameful parts – he’d share them. Because it was Eddie; and he trusted him. He loved him.

They maintained eye contact through the window and Buck caught sight of Eddie’s warm adoration as lightning illuminated his face. The raging storm which had awoken them both seemed like a soft, distant echo – even when the thunder practically shook the house.

“Thank you.” Eddie smiled at him, and Buck would have offered him the world. “And I’m really glad life brought you here.”

He smiled in return, though a little teasing tone in his voice. “It wasn’t life, it was a bus from Reno.”

Eddie pulled back to face him, eyes comically concerned. “Reno?”

Buck lifted his eyebrows expectantly, innocently waiting for Eddie to question him, but he stared back instead. “You want to ask” Buck offered. He knew it was a cruel joke to tell his boyfriend he didn’t like talking about his past, and then drop a hint about the life he had before they met.

He felt safe enough to be both serious and playful in equal measure and be heard all the same.

“I do want to ask one question.” Eddie’s eyes were shining gold in the illuminated night. He’d never tire of staring into those earnest brown eyes. “You haven’t met my parents, and there’s a specific reason for that.” Buck nodded, knowing what would come next. “Is it the same reason I haven’t met your parents?”

He remembered all too well, the conversation he’d overheard when Eddie’s parents had called him about his new relationship. How they’d talked about his choice of life and choice of partner – a man who was reckless and had no prospects was not a person Eddie should be letting around his son. They’d been nice enough when he met them at Eddie’s graduation two years ago, but now that he was someone important to their family, they wanted nothing to do with Buck.

He compared that to the conversation he’d had with his mother when he told them that he was in a relationship with someone he was pretty sure he was in love with. ‘You can’t expect us to approve, Evan, it’s not going to last. How well do you know this Abby person anyways?’

Buck shook his head.

“I don’t trust them to love you just because I do.”

Maybe it was for the same reason.

Eddie nodded gently in understanding. “Okay” he whispered, turning back into their embrace.

 _Okay_. Like that was all the explanation he needed to realize the truth behind Buck’s words. Like he knew everything he wasn’t saying because he didn’t need to say it to Eddie.

Not for the last time, Buck marveled at how he’d found someone who wanted to understand and love him as much as he cared for them.

He kissed Eddie’s shoulder, resting his chin against the skin he’d marked with his appreciation. “I love this family right here.”

Eddie leaned in to him and they shared a smile as the storm continued its assault on the tired city. “Me, too.”


	7. Chapter 7

When the doorbell rang, Buck was still in the washroom, hands full of styling gel, and a wet toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.

Needless to say, Eddie answered the door for their awaiting guests

“Someone looks nice.” He spit into the sink, listening to Hen and Karen tease Eddie about his forest green dress shirt and black slacks – which Buck had picked out for him because he loved the way he just barely fit into them anymore.

Over the running tap, he heard the delightful giggles of sleepy Nia, always happy to see Uncle Eddie because his stubble was very fun to play with (Buck could not disagree). As anxious as he was to greet his favourite girl he took his time, running careful fingers through his hair, smoothing over the bits of curl left over from his shower.

Buck was vain; he knew this about himself. Since the day he’d discovered he had a body, he’d wanted to take care of it. That meant using it to explore every inch of his house as a child, seeing all the ways his limbs could move (and, later, he discovered how they could not move when he fell off the roof and broke his arm). Then, he’d been curious about how it worked: how what he ate and how he exercised affected different aspects of his body. When he’d gotten an erection for the first time well…he’d become very curious about how that worked – not just in the way Maddie had to give him the talk about how to wash his socks because she wasn’t going to do his laundry anymore.

Finding out that other people liked his body was a revelation. He felt wanted, desired, pleased; it was nice to feel those things so he did whatever he could to chase that feeling. Then he’d discovered that his body could do more than produce pleasure from his partner. It could carry things, lift things, drag and pull; it could save people.

So, yes, he took great care in his body – both the superficial and his nutritional health – and that was fine. If he wanted to take extra care tonight to please a certain man who was waiting out in the living from him, well, that was just a bonus. 

He always wanted to please Eddie. Not just in the bedroom; he wanted to be the one to make him smile, make him laugh, distract him the sadness of the world, be there for him.

 _That’s awfully selfish of you_.

Maybe it was a little selfish to take pride in doing things for others, but that didn’t take away from the sparkle in Eddie’s eyes whenever Buck had dinner ready when he got home from a stressful shift without his partner.

Besides, Eddie was the beautiful one. No amount of primping and preening on Buck’s end would compare. So if he put in a little extra work to get on his boyfriend’s level, that was his business.

He could get lost in those eyes – he had, in fact, once gotten so distracted staring at Eddie that he missed Bobby coming up behind him and he’d screamed so loudly that Hen hadn’t stopped laughing for a week. His body was built like he’d stepped out of a magazine and had only grown stronger since their meeting. He’d never understood people’s obsession with the pelvic ‘v’ until he saw Eddie shirtless for the first time since they’d started dating. He understood it then. Not everyone knew about the dimple in his right cheek but it was one of Buck’s favourite things to play with when they were lounging in bed. He’d run his nails over that stubble he really did love (though probably not as much as the endlessly fascinated Nia), and when Eddie’s cheeks rose, he’d lightly dip his finger into the divot like he fit there.

They fit together. He’d figured that out after their second hug; but laying in _their_ bed, they were like two pieces of a puzzle finally finding one another.

When had he become so sappy?

_Right around the time you realized you and Eddie were forever._

With one last look in the mirror, Buck flicked off the light and joined his friends in the living room.

“You really don’t own a shirt that fits your arms, do you?”

He blushed when Hen looked him over, two arms still bouncing her toddler on the edge of the couch. She’d grown up so much. It seemed like just yesterday, Hen was glowing with pride as she showed off photos of their new foster to the whole station. Admittedly, she still pulled in anyone who walked past to look at her children’s latest antics, but now Nia was stumbling towards her Uncle Eddie’s waiting arms all by herself. It was unbelievable, the passage of time.

What never changed, was how much Hen loved to tease him. Though he’d never admit it to her face, he thought of their relationship as more of a sibling hazing with the same fierce protective streak they all had for their families. He’d never tell her that, though.

“No material can contain these biceps.” He flexed his muscles and delighted in three perfectly in sync eye rolls and groans of disgust. With a soft chuckle, he made his way towards the only important thing in the room. “You like my muscles, don’t you Nia?” He scooped the child out of his boyfriend’s arms before Eddie could protest (not that he would, his arms already reaching out to pass her the moment he saw Buck enter the room).

The little girl giggled, clinging to his red dress shirt with a squeal that was either “Buck” or a very bad word that Karen would never admit to accidentally saying around her two-year-old. Either way, Buck blew a raspberry into her cheek, drawing as much joy and laughter from the girl as he could until it was time to let her go.

“Where’s Christopher?” He listened to Karen’s question but his attention was still on the little one in his arms, pulling faces and responding to her one-word sentences as best as he could.

When Maddie had announced that she was pregnant, he had gone on a bit of a research explosion. He’d spent every waking hour learning what happened during pregnancy, and possible complications of the birth, and what the major milestones for infants and toddlers were so that he could be prepared for every possibility. Chimney had been grateful to have someone just as terrified but excited as he was. Maddie had sat him down at about Month 4 of her pregnancy and begged him to hold off on the baby talk when he was over because she got enough of it from her boyfriend and she wanted one adult night, _please_.

He’d complied because she was his sister and he loved her – not because he stopped having a million questions for her – but it had meant that he’d turned all of that nervous baby energy onto Nia and the other children of his 118 family.

Nia was the only one who seemed to care.

_Even the kids are annoyed with you. Eddie was right: you’re so overbearing._

He tuned back into the grown-up conversation in time to hear Christopher shuffling down the hallway, shouting a greeting to Hen and Karen.

“Got everything you need for your sleepover?” Eddie assessed the bag slung over his son’s shoulders (knowing fully well that he and Buck had packed and repacked it after Christopher did his best earlier that afternoon).

“Where are you guys headed tonight?” Buck smiled over at Karen – impossible to stop once he thought about their upcoming plans.

“We’re going to a play.”

“Can you believe Buck has never been to the Shakespeare in the Park?”

“Yes.” The women laughed in unison when he pouted at their unsurprising lack of faith.

“You haven’t either.”

“Yeah, but I’ve been busy raising this one.” Eddie lightly ruffled Christopher’s hair and was met with the very preteen response of “ _daaaaad_!” earning a few chuckles from the grownups in the room.

After reluctantly returning the squirming child to her mother’s waiting arms, and offering a few goodbye hugs and kisses to all involved parties, Buck closed the door behind the party with an audible sigh. He loved his new-found family but sometimes, he also enjoyed the quiet moments.

“Ready to go?” Eddie interrupted the peace with a gentle call as he jogged into the bedroom to retrieve his wallet and keys. It was collectively decided by Buck that Eddie should drive since this outing was his idea and all Buck wanted to do was sit in the back of the Amphitheatre and make out like teenagers if the space was overcrowded.

_You’re so uncultured._

Buck had read his fair share of Shakespeare in high school and had decided that it wasn’t nearly as useful as it pretended to be. Besides, no one spoke like that (not even in Shakespeare’s day), why should he care?

And (he reminded his psyche) Eddie was the one who wanted to make out in the back of the movie theatre on their second date. They were both just as gone on each other.

_Even after a year together, you still want each other like horny teenagers; that’s actually really nice._

He was pulled back to reality by a gentle touch at his temple as Eddie swept a loose hair from his face. In the time it had taken him to get lost in reflection, his partner had returned with his things but seemed less put out by Buck’s lack of response than he expected.

In fact, Eddie seemed to have barely noticed that he hadn’t responded, his eyes planted firmly in Buck’s hairline.

He’d barely moved from his position, hand poised at his partner’s temple, nails barely scratching the skin with a grounding touch. And his eyes; Eddie’s eyes were unblinking, soft, and carried a warmth that seemed to spread across his entire face into something that wasn’t quite a smile. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to the man before him and yet completely focused in his direction.

“What?” Buck’s quiet question drew him forward but didn’t break the spell.

“Your hair,” Eddie stumbled as the warmth lit his cheeks with a dusty pink. “I, uh, I like it this way.”

Something akin to pride flowered in Buck’s chest. He was quite proud of his body and his looks, everyone was well aware of that fact, but the shy way Eddie admitted his affection made him feel admired, attractive to someone he also desired.

It wasn’t a pickup line, it wasn’t a false compliment – Eddie had won his heart a long time ago, there was no need for pleasantries now – he’d said it because he genuinely wanted to tell him. Perhaps it was troubling how such a simple phrase could send him spiraling into self-reflection but the only thing that mattered was the look in Eddie’s eyes.

 _Love_.

“I’ll have to wear it like this more often, then.” He concluded.

* * *

As much as Buck knew that he and Eddie were objectively attractive, the ones who seemed the most aware were the strangers they encountered.

It was very rare for someone to be so forward that they felt uncomfortable, and the amount of numbers slipped into their back pockets while ordering drinks at the bar had significantly decreased since they’d begun arriving and leaving together. But every once in a while, someone thought they’d take their chances and if Buck weren’t in a happy, stable relationship, he might admire their forwardness.

But he _was_ in a happy, stable relationship (holy crap!) and was not overly fond of strangers trying to hit on his boyfriend.

Although he had to admit that watching Eddie try to politely decline the offer of the scantily clad woman at the bar while carrying two very overly-full beer steins, was adorable. He always blushed and tried to respectfully avert his gaze despite whatever tactics the person might use to grab their attention – tactics he had used many times over the years with a fairly high margin of success. But not Eddie. Eddie, who tried to pretend that ‘southern hospitality’ was just a stereotype (and admittedly it was, but it had an air of truth to it). Who always said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and one time, he apologized to an automatic door when it closed on him. Who teased Buck for being a people pleaser but stumbled over apologies when someone asked for his number. It was cute – and Buck never hesitated to tell him that – but there was also the little voice in his head that snarled every time he saw his boyfriend talking to someone who clearly had dishonorable intentions.

 _Look at her, she’s so pretty, of course Eddie would want to sleep with her_.

_He’s so much fitter than you, Eddie is going to be more attracted to someone like him._

_Eddie might be cheating on you._

_You know Eddie, he would never. That fact that you think that is a reflection of your insecurities. Are you that insecure? Why would he want to be with someone like you?_

_Because he loves me and I trust him._

Buck took a breath deeper than necessary while he watched the usual dance unfold from his place at their table.

_One wayward thought is not a reflection of my relationship. I know from experience that this fear is unfounded. It will pass._

“You seem awfully lost in thought, there.”

He had been so focused on reciting his affirmations that he hadn’t noticed Eddie’s return. He accepted the glass as it was pressed into his hand, the condensation, cooling some of his nerves.

“Sorry,” he reassured with a tight smile. “Sometimes my brain gets away from me.”

“Where’d it go?”

Buck answered without hesitation – no more secrets, no more hiding. “I get jealous when people hit on you. Not that you’d act on it, but that you’ll…” he searched for the right words and hoped he could get his point across “you’ll get a better offer.”

“Better than you?” It came across as a hybrid of teasing and reassurance (a heady flirting technique Eddie had perfected long before he meant it to be flirting) that made Buck smile.

“Yeah.” His eye wandered back to the disappointed woman at the bar, grinning at the next available suitor to come her way. “’Cause I know I’m pretty great, but when people look at us: I wonder what they see.”

“Threesome.”

Buck choked on his beer like Eddie had waited for him to drink before dropping his answer. “Excuse me?”

“Eight times out of ten when I point you out and tell them I have a boyfriend, they offer to let you join.”

“Really?” It shouldn’t have been as kind a compliment as Buck interpreted, but that very vain part of his ego enjoyed being desired by anyone and everyone. “Have you ever thought about it?”

“No.” Eddie firmly chuckled. “I get jealous, too, you know.” He reached across the table and flipped Buck’s palm into his, swiping his thumb over the skin as he spoke, memorizing the lines as if he would need to describe them to a clairvoyant at some later date. “I kind of enjoy having you all to myself. I like being the only one who gets to see you like that. And maybe it’s selfish but”

“It’s not.” Buck interjected with his own smile. “I feel exactly the same way.” _No more hiding_. “I know that you would never cheat on me. But sometimes the thought still passes through. The same way I think about lighting a chair on fire, or eating a bug that I find on the ground, or jumping out of a moving car.”

“Didn’t you do that once?”

“I did, and it was awesome.” He’d also bruised a rib and scraped the entire left side of his body but it was worth it to save the cat from the back of the vehicle before it fell off the side of the cliff. “My point is: just because I think it, doesn’t mean it’s real or should be acted on. And all I have to do is remember that I trust you, and I love you, and nothing else really matters.”

Eddie’s eyes could be intense when they were focused on a single subject. Buck had often admired them while they were working, only to be poked in the ribs by one of his coworkers (usually Chimney), reminding him to pay attention and stop ‘mooning over his boyfriend’. They were dark, and round, and held some sort of quiet wisdom – a phrase which was recorded on someone’s phone after they’d all gone out for drinks one night and he’d waxed poetic about all the things he loved about Eddie.

Tonight, they stared straight into his soul. Without breaking their connection, Eddie brought Buck’s palm to his lips and pressed a kiss into the valley.

“I love you. I’m going to say it more.” He spoke with conviction. “Because you deserve to hear it more.”

How could he ever imagine Eddie looking at anyone else the way he looked at Buck? So much adoration could only be reserved for a select few and he was lucky enough to be in that inner circle.

“So. Sappy.” They shared a secret smile as they finished their drinks in peace from their own minds.


	8. Chapter 8

Buck enjoyed the random knowledge he acquired when a topic interested him, Chimney had a fairly encyclopedic knowledge of both pop culture and household management (though he was still a horrible cook), Eddie had a fascination for all things mechanical and history, and Hen’s knowledge of medicine and music were unrivalled at the station.

It was a wonder they’d never gone to trivia night before. None of them were experts – well, Buck and Eddie would never call themselves experts but their paramedic counterparts certainly didn’t mind bandying about the phrase – but their collective knowledge covered a lot of bases. As a team, they would likely be unstoppable.

They did win, but only be a short margin, and due in no part at all to Buck.

It was as though he had forgotten every general thing he knew. He could work under pressure every single day but when it came to name State Capitals that began with the letter ‘S’, he had no idea (to be fair, none of the team could answer the question because to quote Hen “I save room in my brain for things that actually matter in life”). His disappointment came not because he was only able to answer one question while the rest of the team carried them to victory, it was that he had expected to shine.

This was his thing: he was the random fact guy. He might not be smart but he knew a lot of things. Of course, that hadn’t always been the case. When he’d moved to LA, he had little to no interest in the past. He learned things when he needed to learn them and promptly forgot them once that knowledge was used. Who cared about calculating the circumference of a circle or the daily uses of methylthiopropionate? That sort of curiosity had faded into the background along with his barely-passing high school transcript.

Then he’d become a firefighter and knowledge became his greatest weapon. Bobby reminded him so often that his job was about more than putting out fires, that he decided to learn more. And then he met a man who gave up before he could be saved and he read up on suicide and depression. Then he nearly lost his leg and he read about people who’d had amazing careers in active professions with worse injuries or disabilities. Then he was caught in a tsunami with an eight-year-old boy and he discovered all the other freak natural disasters that people had survived despite the odds. He still wasn’t the type to spend his afternoon at the library, pouring over encyclopedias, but he no longer hesitated to discover new information on things that affected his life.

Playing trivia should have been his time to show off all that random knowledge he’d acquired and yet it all flew out the window the moment it truly mattered.

 _I’m not dumb._ He knew Chimney and Hen and (with decreasing frequency) Eddie were only teasing him when they made fun of his intelligence – and to be fair, his math skills were always poor – but he’d struggled not to take it to heart when he first heard the phrase ‘himbo’ uttered at the dinner table.

 _I’m not dumb._ Or maybe he was. He was slow to come to conclusions that people seemed to know instinctually, his knowledge of current events and pop culture was severely lacking, and he was practically famous for acting without fully thinking of the consequences when someone was in danger.

 _I’m not dumb_. He had other skills. Like people. He loved people – and people loved him. Some people called it ‘charm’, others called it ‘personability’, he just called it ‘being nice’. He cared about people and did his best to do and say what they needed. He considered himself a decent judge of character with an ability to read people’s emotions even if they weren’t saying anything.

Especially when it came to Eddie.

Eddie had never been the talkative one in their relationship – even when it was just friendship. Sure, he talked, he opened up, he shared all his secrets but Eddie never started the conversation. Never volunteered what he was thinking or feeling unless prompted (and when it came to expressing his feelings, it felt like pulling teeth sometimes).

 _He doesn’t trust you_.

That wasn’t true at all. In fact, Buck was well aware of how hard Eddie worked to be as open and giving as he was, due in no small part to their current romantic relationship. He knew about Christopher hiding things from his father – saying hurtful things – and he knew what it did to Eddie, feeling as though he were to blame for a preteen boy acting out in a minor way.

So, Eddie tried. He always tried. He screwed up and he kept trying. Which meant that he didn’t always say the right things. He didn’t always express what he was feeling (too accustomed to having to hide for the sake of being strong).

This meant that Buck got to use his…strength…on Eddie. As his ability to read people grew, he found himself more attuned to his boyfriend’s moods. It wasn’t an exact science but he was working on it.

He knew that when Eddie was frustrated but unsure how to word his feelings, he’d clench his fist over and over. When he was stressed and upset, he’d run a hand through his hair and lean to the left. Those were the first emotions he clocked, as they were ones he wanted to help manage. If his boyfriend was uncomfortable, he would give him a break. If he was hurt, he’d push for a conversation. They’d both learned their lesson: even if it was a difficult subject, it was always better to talk it out.

There were still a few quirks of Eddie’s that he was getting to know, but it was quickly becoming a point of pride when he would make a suggestion and his boyfriend would offer the smallest of smiles, expressing gratitude with that simple gesture.

Eddie didn’t say much but Buck was quickly learning that what he didn’t say, meant an awful lot.

“You’ve been quiet.” He was pulled out of his thoughts by a voice in the passenger seat. “Something on your mind?”

Buck shot a quick glance at his boyfriend – his real boyfriend, not the one in his mind whom he often reflected on in wonder.

“Just disappointed about tonight.” He confessed.

“Why, we won.”

“Yeah but” he didn’t win. Saying it in his head only made him realize how ridiculously narcissistic he sounded. “Never mind.”

“Buck.” He knew that warning tone better than he knew the sound of his mother’s voice.

_Always talk it out._

“I thought that I would do better than I did tonight. This was supposed to be my thing.” He shrugged to loosen the grip his guilt held on his shoulders.

Eddie was quick to reassure him.

_Like he was waiting for you to fail._

“So you don’t test well. That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Eddie, we work under more pressure than this every day. It wasn’t the quiz, it was me.”

When silence only followed his outburst, his heart sank into his seat, knowing he was right. If Eddie wasn’t correcting him, it meant that he agreed.

_I’m not dumb._

The jeep remained silent until the next stoplight, and then Eddie encircled his hand in his as they shared the space on the gearshift.

“Do you want to know one of my favourite nights with you?”

“Is now really the time to talk about o-”

“Before we started dating.” He corrected with a gentle smile that Buck only got to see from the corner of his eye as they pulled through the intersection.

“Okay?”

“It was the night you told me about Jim Abbott.”

He didn’t remember any victims named Jim Abbott. There was a baseball player named Jim Abbott but what did that have to do with anything?

“Christopher had gotten hurt at school trying to skateboard because he wanted to be like all the other kids. It was the first time I really had to sit him down and tell him that there are things he won’t be able to do because of the way he was born.”

Memories of sitting at his kitchen island swirled through his mind until he latched on to the right one.

“He called you a liar because you had told him that there was nothing he couldn’t do.”

Eddie could smile at the memory now. “It broke my heart. Everyone told me what to tell him – what I should say and how I should say it – always reminding me that I’d made another mistake and I’d screwed up my kid.”

That was so far from the truth, Buck wasn’t sure how Eddie could even see it. He opened his mouth to protests as such, but he was quickly cut off.

“I know that’s not true. And I know they were just trying to help. In the end, though, what really helped was you.” All he’d done was tell a story about a baseball player. He wanted Eddie to know that just because things seemed impossible, it didn’t mean that they were.

“You told me about a baseball player with one arm who worked hard and was able to thrive in a career he loved despite his disability. You never told me what to do, but you had knowledge and you used that to bring me hope and comfort.”

Buck had never given much thought to that night but clearly, it had been on Eddie’s mind. His strange love of sharing random knowledge had never been framed to him that way. He liked knowing things that made people feel better – knew how to distract a victim with facts that were relevant to their incident and he hoped it gave them some peace.

Maybe he was doing some good.

“Do you know why I love that night so much?” all Buck could do was shake his head. “Because you hate baseball.”

He had to hit the breaks to avoid rolling through a stop sign with the force of his laughter. It was made all the more bizarre to see Eddie laugh with him. He loved Eddie’s laugh. His entire face would morph into this creature made of pure joy: wide mouth and shining eyes and crinkles of amusement all over. It was through laughter that he discovered the dimple in Eddie’s cheek that felt like home.

“I don’t hate baseball.” His admonishment was masked by the remains of his chuckle.

“But I love it. And somehow, your… unfathomable brain found the one fact in the entire world that would give me what I needed to hear in a way that I could understand. Do you know how amazing that is? How amazing you are?”

Screw the road, Buck wanted to look into Eddie’s eyes this way forever. The love he felt emanating from them left him nearly speechless.

“I’m glad it helped.” He whispered before he was forced to return to the task at hand.

Eddie squeezed their fingers, still linked around the gearshift, and pulled them into his lap. “The reason I’m telling you this is because I love how your mind works. Trivia or no trivia, you have an amazing gift and you share it with people when they need it most.”

As he watched Eddie kiss their shared connection, Buck stared in awe of his partner. He knew the man had a way with words when it counted but this simple, genuine confession left him speechless. The truth was: on very rare occasions, he’d allowed himself to think of his trivial knowledge as a talent. He wanted to help save people and this was a way to care for them. Then, the familiar voice would creep in and remind him that it was selfish to take pride in himself; that he was vain and desperate for approval. Yet, it was as though Eddie had seen all of that and gave him permission to celebrate.

With a few words, Buck felt his shoulders relax.

“Thank you.” He offered a gentle smile in return to Eddie’s soft gaze and suddenly found himself trapped in the embrace of moonlight and dark shining eyes. The man in his passenger seat was like a miracle some days. His lips were stretched wide and his eyes were alight with so many unexpressed emotions that he was slowly learning to name. That perfect bone structure (as he’d often teased Eddie for Carla’s comment) held a firmly set jaw, working the muscle back and forth as if restraining a wider smile and his chest was puffed wide and broad.

“Buck?”

He shook out of his thoughts to find the light reflecting off Eddie’s face had changed to green so he pulled into the intersection. The realization filled him with his own echoing emotion. “You’re proud.”

Eddie chuckled in response but didn’t deny his conclusion. “Yeah?”

“I had just never clocked it before.” Buck rolled his eyes but revealed the shy smile that had been growing since their conversation began. “It makes me feel good.”

“I love you.” Eddie reaffirmed that what passed between them was something strong, something real.

_Something more._


	9. Chapter 9

From when they had announced their relationship to the crew (or rather, Chimney had announced it for them because he was a very good friend with a very big mouth), they’d held very tightly to the ‘no PDA’ rule that Bobby had set out for them. Oh sure, they might exchange a chaste kiss, bump shoulders or generally share physical space with one another, but they were both determined to keep it as professional as possible because they were not going to give Administration any excuse to separate them.

All that to say: sometimes, they found themselves sitting in the loft with no one around, their legs tangled on the coffee table as they watched some late-night rerun, Eddie playing with Buck’s hair and his partner rolling and massaging their joined fingers between them. And sometimes, Eddie would feel too tired to hold his neck up and lean against Buck’s shoulder, resting his arm around his boyfriend’s neck so he could continue to curl his fingers in those locks of blond that had come loose during the day. And sometimes, Buck would kiss Eddie’s hair out of pure affection and let their hands swipe over the couch in lazy strokes with no real direction. And sometimes, Eddie would reach up just enough to plant a kiss on Buck’s lips and fall into the desire to never stop.

Which was how Bobby jogged up the stairs to start breakfast and found two of his best fire fighters on the communal couch (Eddie straddling Buck) pressed together as though their lives depended on it. On most occasions, the captain had no qualms about the romantic displays of affection that the boys shared but the sounds of moaning emanating from one or both of them, in between hip-rolling kisses, was not a sound he wanted to hear ever again.

“Do you boys want anything before I turn the burner on?” Eddie flew to other end of the couch with a dexterity Buck didn’t know he possessed. One moment, he was alternating between enthusiastic kisses, and biting a few juvenile hickey’s into Eddie’s neck, and the next moment, he was doubled over and breathless while his boyfriend sat with his legs crossed over to hide his excitement at having some time alone.

“No Cap,” Buck snorted. “We’re good. Just enjoying the late hour.” He was too late to catch the pillow Eddie threw in his direction but he was able to send it flying back with ease. “What are you making for breakfast?”

“Fried shredded ham and potato casserole.”

He liked when Bobby smirked at him, he liked seeing the moments of kindness and approval that didn’t need to be said aloud; they just existed between them. With years of practice from alarms that came with the worst timing, Buck leapt over the back of the couch and made his way to Bobby’s side.

“Need any help?”

With a teasing glare, his captain shoved the bag of potatoes across the counter in his direction. “Think you can peel potatoes without cutting off a finger?”

_Of course you can, why doesn’t he trust you with the simplest tasks?_

“Only one way to find out.” Buck retrieved the peeler from the second drawer he looked in and grabbed the first potato from the plastic bag.

“Whoa, hey.” Bobby grabbed his hands, startling him enough to release both items. “You gotta wash them first. Come on, it’s like you’ve never done this before.”

In all honesty, he’d simply forgotten. But Bobby knew that; Bobby was the one who drilled kitchen cleanliness into his skull on his first lesson (prompted by some joke by Hen about Buck only eating what other people cooked for him and Bobby not-so-subtly inviting him to help him the next time he made breakfast for the crew). It didn’t make the chide any less hurtful.

“I know, Bobby,” he muttered, grabbing the vegetable which was already rolling towards its death at the edge of the counter. “I got it.”

At this, the older man paused in his movement, seeming to examine Buck for a moment before offering an apologetic smile. “You’re right, kid, I’m sorry.”

Buck studied his task of cleaning and preparing his contribution to breakfast with purposeful intensity. If he looked at Bobby, he might ask him why he’d apologized for the same taunting he’d received since the day he’d joined the 118. He might ask why the ribbing still bothered him after all this time for the same reason. He might wonder why he didn’t mind as much when the crew teased him but when it came from Bobby, it held an extra sting. He might wonder why this man’s opinion of him mattered so much more than just a Captain’s approval.

His mind wandered to Eddie and the mixture of insecurities he felt when they’d first met – quickly subdued by his desire for friendship and a growing respect for the other man’s ability to never indulge him his pettiness. Here was a man who could do everything he could but better, but he treated Buck as an equal from the very beginning. His eyes found his boyfriend watching him with what he recognized as curiosity and sadness: furrowed brow, darting eyes, half parted lips like he wanted to voice something but social decorum and military politeness prevented it. No matter Eddie’s face, seeing him brought the faintest smile to Buck’s lips. His heartrate quickened when he realized that seeing the upturn of his lips had the same effect on Eddie. In a moment, the concern melted into fondness, as tired as his eyes still appeared in the dim overhead lighting.

Eddie might not have loved him from the start, but there’d always been a modicum of respect there. It was the same esteem he felt from his fellow crew members – even if it took some time for them to accept him as more than simply the ‘golden retriever’ mascot of the 118. He cared for every one of his friends and family at the station but Bobby was different.

He’d told Bobby that he was one of the most important people in his life and that still held true. But as he made quick, careful work of peeling, something niggled at the back of his mind and burrowed well into breakfast.

It took a gentle hand from Eddie at his side, kind concern checking in on him with a simple gesture, for him to be able to bring his smile fully to the table. One look from Eddie and he felt his shoulders release and his mind return to the present day where the only thing he had to worry about, was their next call.

Mercifully, the rest of his shift was filled with lengthy but routine calls (and more than one daring rescue which he executed perfectly, thanks to his partner) which occupied his time until he and Eddie were headed towards the parking lot, shoulder to shoulder.

Perhaps he’d possessed this particular skill before their romantic relationship began, but Eddie had the startling ability to ask questions without saying a word. He’d seen him use his super power on Christopher a time or two but as they climbed into the truck, the air was thick with all the questions he was patiently never going to ask.

Buck held out until they were a few blocks from home.

“My dad and I have never really gotten along. I’m not close with either of my parents but he and I have just never connected.”

If Eddie was surprised to hear the sudden change in subject from their weekend grocery list to now, he didn’t show it. “I had kind of assumed.”

“And Bobby always reminded me of him except we at least had something in common. I really look up to him.”

“I had kind o-”

“I know I’m not very subtle.” He cut off Eddie with a humorless chuckle. “But I have a lot of respect for him, and I care about him. You know, he went through something horrible and kept it inside for a really long time but he still did his job. He took me under his wing, he kept me at the station – with my family – when not every captain would.” Hell, he’d been caught in a fireable offence less than six months into his job and Bobby took him back after a nice phone call from Athena (he’d been meaning to send her a fruit basket or something to say ‘thank you’ for that).

“He’s important to me.” Buck continued his confession as they pulled into the driveway. Eddie shut off the engine but made no move to exit the vehicle. “The same way everyone at the 118 has become my family. But I think I see Bobby like more of a dad than a captain sometimes.” He didn’t need to look at Eddie to know he agreed with his assessment. It was probably obvious to anyone who met the two of them that they were close. Knowing himself the way he did, Buck wondered if he’d even been subtle in showing his feelings for anyone.

_That’s not such a bad thing._

“I’ve been thinking maybe that’s not the best thing for me. I still love Bobby,” he quickly corrected. “but I don’t like that I care so much what he thinks of me.”

Something akin to guilt swirled in his gut. The idea of disappointing anyone – let alone someone who meant the world to him – squeezed the guilt until it hurt, though he struggled to conceal the visceral response.

With Eddie’s magic touch, he was able to look up and feel some of the pain melt away. “I don’t think it’s a horrible idea to set boundaries with Bobby – with anyone.”

“I know.” Buck held his hand like an anchor to keep the demons at bay. “And I’m gonna try.”

The pair stayed in the car for a few moments longer, packing away the stress of the day so they could great Christopher with wide smiles and just enough energy to keep him occupied until it was time for bed. It was a rare weekend when they wouldn’t stay up for another 24 hours just to spend the day with the boy, and this Saturday was no exception. They would do a little homework, head to the park, perhaps build some sort of Lego castle that would be destroyed by a helicopter right around dinner time. Then Buck would talk Eddie (with puppy dog eyes he would never confess to teaching Christopher since the man was already a sucker for his son’s requests) into reading some of the kid’s latest work and doing the voices as best he could. Even Buck could admit that Eddie was better than him at creating the characters, but Christopher loved when they tried anyways.

It wasn’t until they were in the safety of the bedroom, Buck shifting as close as humanly possible without physically wrapping around his partner, that Eddie linked their hands in the dark.

“You make me happy, Evan Buckley, just you.”

To say the reverence in his voice was unexpected would have been a gross understatement and Buck hated his instant reaction to recoil but he understood it.

_He doesn’t mean what he’s saying._

_He doesn’t know everything about you – he’s admitted as much._

_Why would he love you?_

_You’re such a mess. An absolute disaster. So unworthy of any love._

_Everyone leaves you, why would he be any different?_

_Do you even love him the same way?_

_Maybe you’ve just been leading him on all this time._

_Pretending that you’re even capable of love._

_You’re a fraud and one day he’ll figure that out._

Buck unlinked their hands to grab Eddie’s face firmly and stare into gently startled brown eyes that had done nothing but care for him since the day they’d met. He’d only ever been honest and loving in whatever way that meant for them in the moment.

He placed a kissed on those lips that smiled at him when his thoughts grew too dark to see the sun, and spoke with a determination that banished everything else in the world.

“I love you, Eddie Diaz.”


	10. Chapter 10

Being able to read Eddie Diaz had become one of Buck’s favourite past times since their courtship began, and if he may say so himself, he was growing quite adept at it. Beyond knowing the difference between “I’m grumpy and need my coffee” and “there’s something bothering me but I’m not ready to talk about it yet” was a very important distinction to learn. Over time, however, he also found himself learning to pick up on the things that maybe didn’t matter as much – although he knew and Eddie knew that those things were also incredibly important.

For example, if Eddie had a nightmare about Afghanistan the night before, his shoulder would be sore so Buck would offer to drive them to work based on the way he rolled his shoulder when they were getting dressed. If he had a particularly invigorating workout or save and the adrenaline was rushing through his system, Buck started keeping a rubber ball in his work bag, and the two of them would toss it around the station (though not near any windows after one particularly good save earned them a lecture from Bobby about department budgets).

It had become a point of pride for Buck to know what his boyfriend needed without either of them having to say a word. More than that, he was learning not to take it personally when Eddie suddenly disappeared from group gatherings or didn’t contribute to conversations as often as he did. He knew – or at least, he reminded himself of the fact – that Eddie needed his space and it had nothing to do with him. Every once in a while, the voice would creep up behind him and whisper questions about why Eddie seemed to be fleeing him, but he would simply kiss his boyfriend and tell him to be safe on his late-night jog.

It sometimes came at strange times, not always when there was an overwhelming noise or too much silence that they both became lost in their thoughts. Sometimes, it would be a normal afternoon; Eddie and Buck would be sitting on the couch in the loft (occupying one cushion while still maintaining some semblance of public decency) while some of the crew were gathered around the television, cheering on the semi-final tournament between Hen and Jackson – in which Jackson was blatantly cheating but no one really bothered to call him out because Hen was doing the same with a little more finesse. While Buck laughed at the way his friends attempted to run each other off the road, he suddenly felt a quick kiss on his cheek and Eddie quickly whispered in his ear “I need a break.” before rising from his seat and jogging down the stairs.

Buck watched his boyfriend leave, appreciating both the view from behind and the way Eddie didn’t offer an excuse.

_He trusts you._

It was something he already knew, but seeing such a simple demonstration of it still warmed his heart and left a dopy smile on his face.

“Were did Eddie go?” Buck startled out of his contemplation and admiration of the backside only he got to enjoy by Chimney’s voice at his ear.

“He’s just gonna hit the gym.” He shrugged, knowing that was likely Eddie’s destination even if he hadn’t expressly told him. For a moment, he allowed himself a secret smile at how far he’d come since even the beginning of their relationship. Watching Eddie walk away no longer filled him with curiosity or dread. The voice didn’t wonder where he was going, only waited for his return because his presence made Buck feel happy.

“I thought you’d be headed down there with him.” Chimney, unaware of his quite sappy mental journey, raised his eyebrows with the subtly of the trucks they spent their lives in. “Offer to spot him.”

Buck playfully shoved his friend. “Do you kiss my sister with that mouth?”

“Speaking of your sister,” Chimney’s expression shifted to something anxious. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

* * *

He had been bubbling over with excitement since his conversation with Chimney that afternoon and he was certain even the patients they helped could sense the frenetic energy radiating off him. But he’d been sworn to secrecy so if he could help it, not even Eddie would learn that Chimney had finally bought a ring he was planning to present to Maddie later in the month when the two of them had a night off.

Eddie would find out later than evening when they were tangled in bed and Buck could no longer contain his happiness for his sister. Even if she didn’t say yes (which seemed an impossibility considering the fact that she’d told Buck only a few weeks ago that she was finally ready to get married again) he was ecstatic to know that Maddie was with someone who loved her as much as she deserved.

But as they sat at the restaurant after work, waiting for their dinner to arrive, Buck was still certain that he could maintain his composure. Keeping secrets from Eddie at this point, however, involved a fair bit of drinking water to keep his mouth occupied, and trips to the bathroom that would have made even him suspicious.

“Alright, what is going on with you tonight?” Eddie chuckled after his return from his third bathroom break.

“What do you mean?” Why he bothered to feign innocence around this man, Buck had no idea but Eddie always told him it was cute that he tried.

“I mean I’m starting to worry that you’re hiding something from me.”

“I am.” Eddie also told him it was sweet that he thought he could keep a secret. “But it’s not my secret so I can’t tell you yet.” He took another sip despite the fact that he had looked up the symptoms of water poisoning on his last expedition to the urinals. “So, let’s talk about something else.”

He blamed his full bladder for only now noticing the way Eddie had fairly ripped his paper napkin to shreds despite his otherwise calm demeanor. With a gently hand covering the overly-anxious fingers working overtime, he turned his attention to his partner in all things.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Something.” Eddie blushed and Buck understood why the other man was so fond of his own failed attempts to hide anything.

“Something small or something big?”

“Something pretty big.” When Eddie finally rose to look Buck in the eye, he saw uncertainty lining the edges of what might otherwise portray a calm expression. This was something _big_ , Buck realized, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand in a show of solidarity.

“Okay.”

With a deep breath to gather his nerves, Eddie began. “I never wanted to be a dad.”

“Whoa.” Buck resisted the urge to pull away at the revelation, knowing there was more to the story and what he needed now was patience and support. He knew the story of Christopher’s upbringing and conception (minus the details, of course), or so he thought. He let Eddie continue.

“When I was a kid and we learned about the birds and the bees and the priest at Sunday School taught us about the sanctity of marriage and children, I never imagined myself as a single dad. I never imagined myself as a dad except in the concept of ‘someday’. But then Shannon was pregnant and the only thing I could think to do was propose to her. I was going to do it eventually but Christopher sort of, sped things along.”

Buck knew all this, he wanted to say. He knew that Eddie had never imagined his life taking this shape; he knew that Eddie had made mistakes as a father and as a husband that he regretted. Despite some horrible tragedies, Buck couldn’t bring himself to be angry at the universe that first brought Eddie into his life. Even if Eddie and Shannon had been a happy family, he would still be grateful to know this incredible man.

He didn’t say this, of course, simply squeezed his hand as encouragement to continue.

“But I was so terrified of being a dad. I was sure that I’d screw it up – screw him up – so badly that it would prove I had no right to be a father. Then I met him and…god, that kid is my whole damn world, Buck.” He loved watching Eddie melt at the mere mention of his son. He couldn’t imagine a time when Eddie would willingly part himself from Christopher but he knew it existed as a stain upon them both that would never fully dissolve.

“And I still have that fear that the things I did or am going to do, will mess him up and he’ll never forgive me. But every choice I’ve made since the day he was born, was made because I wanted to do what was best for my son.”

The longer Eddie spoke, the more dread Buck fought to stamp down in his chest. He knew all of this. He knew that Eddie was a wonderful father but was still dealing with the insecurities that came with being a single parent and the regrets in his past. He knew all of this; so what was Eddie leading up to?

“I thought staying away was what he needed more; to provide for my family even if it meant I wasn’t around. Then I thought going it alone would prove that we (I) are capable of not being helpless; prove that we could do it on our own and the two of us didn’t need anyone. But we did need people. We needed our family, we needed Carla, we needed the 118.” Eddie’s eyes shown with so much adoration, it left him breathless. “We needed you, Buck. I didn’t realize how much we needed you until you weren’t around.”

This was about the mistakes he made when they were friends? He thought they were past this. Eddie had promised they were past this. Why would he lie about that? “Eddie I”

“That’s not what this is about.” Buck accepted that there were some things that still made him quick to panic. “This is about always doing what’s best for my son. And you are what’s best for Christopher.”

 _You’re what’s best for Christopher._ What could he possibly mean by that? Some impish part of his mind wondered if this was Eddie handing the boy into his care – a foolish notion that he was able to cross it off the list easily – while some cruel voice whispered that Eddie was breaking up with him but didn’t want Christopher to lose Buck as a friend. And yet, he chose to listen to the angel on his shoulder filling him with unending hope that Eddie was offering him more of his heart to keep. There was only one way to know for certain.

“Eddie, what are you”

“I’m naming you as Christopher’s guardian in my will. I already have, actually, we’re just waiting for the whole thing to be processed. You know how slow paperwork processing can be. But I didn’t want to wait any longer to tell you.”

For just a moment, the world stopped turning and Buck felt his skin grow hot. Despite choosing hope, hearing his wish manifest in reality still sent him reeling. “You want me to be Christopher’s guardian?”

 _I know you love him enough to never stop trying._ That was what Eddie had told him before they’d even began a romantic relationship. When they were just two friends who cared for one another, Buck had been entrusted with the one thing Eddie treasured most in the world. Of course, this was the next step for them.

“Since, essentially, the day we met, you have become one of the most important people in my life. You have been there for me and for Christopher in more ways than I can count. I love that from the moment you met my son, you wanted to protect him, love him.” Buck didn’t dare interrupt with assurances that no matter what, he would care for that kid until his dying day; Eddie already knew that. “I’ve always known you were a good man. If anything ever happened to me, there’s no one else I’d want to care for him. No one I trust more to raise him well. I know you’ll do what’s best for him.” Eddie ran his thumb across the skin of his hand and Buck saw stars. “If I could pick anyone else to be a role model for my son, Buck, it’d be you.”

A million thoughts swam through his mind at once, overwhelming his senses with protests and assurances and gratitude and fear. He never wanted to imagine a world where Eddie wasn’t around to see the growth of his child, or share a life with Buck, but the idea that this man would not only trust him but put it in writing for the entire world to see.

The emotion that won out in the end was a watery smile.

“I’m far from perfect.” He whispered.

“Yeah.” Eddie fondly wiped his tear away. “But you keep coming back.”

The answer came from somewhere deep in his soul that didn’t have to think about his utter devotion to this man. “Always.”

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! Thank you to everyone who came on this journey with me, I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> There's one more (planned) installment in this series which I hope will be a nice early Christmas present so keep an eye out for that. Otherwise, I'll keep posting my random brain children on here and on my tumblr. 
> 
> Cheers <3

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](http://madamewriterofwrongs.tumblr.com)!


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